Note: I am neither a “boomer” nor am I a Gen X. Born at the very end of 1964, I can claim neither badge of self identification. I do find some of the people in the “self entitled” generations(s) a bit frustrating…….
If you feel the following letter describes one of your coworkers…..feel free to passive aggressively post a copy of this on the coffee room fridge.
Dear Nameless Company:
Please find attached my ‘info graphic’ resume for the position of (insert job title here).
After leaving my last position at (insert name here), I am still recovering from a bout of “why do people care if the glass is half empty or full, just buy another bottle…..duh” and some of the symptoms still linger. They include, but are not limited to: inability to get to work on time, wearing inappropriate clothing, leaving passive aggressive notes for co-workers in the company lunch room, not responding to emails and phone calls in a timely manner and chronically complaining about the long work hours. I am also lackadaisical about “flushing” after I leave the ‘employee only’ washroom – Honestly…..has no one heard of “if its yellow let it mellow?” Hello people!!!!!!! In case you missed it, we are suffering a global water crisis.
If you were to hire me to join your team, I am committed to poisoning your workplace with my poor attitude and creating an environment of distrust and unhappiness. My goal is to lower your expectations and then fail to meet those lowered expectations. I am proud to say that I have an almost unblemished record of meeting those targets.
If you were to contact any of the references listed on page two, they have advised me that they are willing to give me a glowing reference in exchange for me never darkening their doors again. Please feel free to contact my current employer, as I am certain he will say anything simply to get me to leave my current position.
As a millennial, I am very cognizant of work/life balance and therefore I am hoping that I will be able to work from home two days a week. Are we issued corporate smart phones? Just so you know…. I will use the company issued Blackberry to check my Facebook and twitter account continuously. Did I mention that I could also monitor and maintain your company social media accounts? People say I am emphatic or empathetic….I am not sure, but honestly…..I love social media.
My boyfriend and I are currently planning a trip to Bali to “eat, pray, love” for a month in April – I hope that this will not negatively reflect upon my chances for employment. Question: Does your office work flex days? My aura doesn’t really glow every second Friday and the flex schedule would be helpful.
Sincerely,
An employee /co worker that everyone has met
JUDY KUCHARUK 