You know the commercial about dementia where the daughter notices that her mom, or maybe it was her dad, had bowls and bowls of lemons around the apartment? No? Maybe it was milk and the fridge was full of cartons of milk? Doesn’t matter. I can’t remember the specifics, but the premise was that they had forgotten.
Where am I going with this?
No….I am not concerned that I suffer from dementia….no…. but I just realized that I currently owned three boxes of Triple Pack Tampax in various stages of use. It was like the Three Bears story: One box only had the skinny ones left, the other only the MASSIVE green wrapped tampons remain and the third box had not even been opened yet. It dawned on me that I couldn’t remember the last time I needed to utilize these slender, cotton cloaked Roman fertility candles.
Two months?
Three months?
Four?
Oh.My.Gawd. It has been FOUR months!!!
I quickly Google “menopause” and “period” and the following popped up, “If you are not pregnant, a missed period could indicate the onset of menopause” and “Perimenopause ends when a woman has gone 12 months without having her period”.
Shit.
I don’t need to be hit on the head to understand that the summer of hot flashes combined with the irregular (or disappearance) of the visit of Aunt….well Flo (I HATE THAT SAYING) meant that I had joined that club.
Shit. Shit. Shit!
Do you know what bothers me the most?
No…..not the excessive facial hair.
No…..not even the insomnia that will accompany the increasing hot flashes.
No….what bothers me the most is that I didn’t fully appreciate my last period when I had it. (Also….I could almost qualify as a hoarder having three boxes of Tampax laying around)
Who knows! THAT period (the one I can’t really remember) COULD have been my last period. Ever.
I should have done something special, or documented the occasion in some way.
Perhaps a Red Velvet cupcake to enjoy privately while I lit the remaining boxes on fire?
No….my period, which very well could have been my LAST period came and went without so much as a cramp or a whimper.
What do I do with these boxes now? What is the protocol? Do I hang on to them until 12 months have passed and then throw them away? Do I keep them in the bathroom cupboard so that friends might see them and think “Dayum! Judy still gets her period? What’s her secret to youth?” Do I give them to a friend? Do I advertise them on Kijiji?
I can see it now:
FOR SALE: YOUTH & FERTILITY
Serious Inquiries only please. Cash only.
For now, I am going to do nothing. I am going to combine the two opened boxes and place it alongside the new, unopened box and wait.
If it is to be….it will be.
The end. Period.
JUDY KUCHARUK 