Pathetic Panty Pity Party

Originally appeared in February 11, 2015 Alaska Highway News Green Eyed Girl Column by yours truly

Yes…….I am writing about underwear.

Things just got real ‘round this place y’all.

This is what I posted on Facebook last week:

“You know those mornings when you drive extra careful to work because you don’t have “accident worthy” underwear on? Heaven forbid if a first responder had to cut off my pants to save my life!”

I actually thought that in my head when I donned my freshly laundered, but oh so sad and pathetic “underpants” on. It was almost an exercise in futility putting them on because…..well….other than the elastic edging, the structure and form had officially left the building!

Why would I tell you this? Why would I share something so personal? Let’s think of it as a public service announcement and a new mantra:

Momma deserves pretty underthings!

It can’t be only me….right? There must be more of us that are still wearing maternity underwear (note: my youngest is 26)?

Okay I was exaggerating, I am not wearing maternity underpants, but admittedly some of my underpinnings were purchased in the 90’s and their “best before” date has long passed. (Side Note and idea for Dragon’s Den: Creating underwear with a best-before date)

When you pull up your lace underpants and your fingernails go through the lace panel so that only a band of elastic remains around the waist, and immediately below are two big circles of missing fabric and then the leg elastic….well….that is truly unfortunate.

This is what I have heard. I am talking about a friend’s underwear.

My friends showed their support on social media. One empathized and said, “Sadly….I know exactly what you meant” and another said, “Shop. Immediately. 31 years (marriage) deserves fresh and frilly.”

The same friend who recommended that I shop immediately also recommended Pantybypost.com: a subscription service where you receive a pair of panties each month in the mail. Whaaaaat?

Could you imagine?

Each month you would receive a pair of underwear in pretty packaging. This is a hard concept for me to grasp. I used to live in a small town where feminine hygiene products were wrapped in brown paper and kept behind the counter at the local confectionary store (I know you want to ask….no I am not Amish). The fact that I could receive a pair of underwear in the mail, in my mail-box is so exciting! Each time you received a new pair you could throw out an old pair!

Pantybypost also will cater to the man in your life. You can sign up hubby to receive a new pair of boxers or briefs each month.

Oh you men……I hear you snickering as you read this but seriously, when the elastic is so loose on your briefs that your legs resemble those of Gandhi (after a fast), it is time for new ones.

I know it might be late for resolutions, but after careful thought and consideration I have a late entry for my New Year resolution:

BUY NEW UNDERWEAR!

Want to join me?

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