Tag Archives: humour

Eyebrows, Va-jay-jays and Instagram – Oh My!

I could have titled this, “Amber Rose and her Mighty Bush”, but that seemed like a tag line from a new superhero series aaaaaaand I already am feeling uncomfortable and conflicted with my commentary about said Bush. I assuage my uncomfortable feelings by telling myself that courageous women like Amber are using their public platform to demystify the conversation on and about pubic hair and by their refusal to beat around the bush about pubic hair – they are taking one for the team. Let’s be real though….Amber Rose is no Malala

Here goes……

Yesterday as I refreshed my Facebook feed I was greeted with a story about Amber Rose and her Instagram post where she shared a photo of her laying naked featuring her generous swath of pubic hair, aka the mighty bush. I am surmising that her pubic hair was what was being featured in the photo, but she could have been simply asking for her followers to help her with her annual check for suspicious moles. Whatever the reason for the picture it didn’t matter, the photo had already been removed by the Instagram Police (but of course it had been saved elsewhere and was included in the story I was reading). The conclusion: Apparently it was important that we all realize that 2017 was the year that we #bringbackthebush

Who knew that The Bush needed a campaign to help it to return? Was The Bush in peril like the White Rhino? Where do I donate money? Can I use Apple Pay?

FYI, The Bush has never left. Millions…..nay billions of women world-wide still sport full pubic hair growth, they just don’t talk about it. A large percentage of them don’t care, don’t have time to worry about it and have more pressing matters that occupy their minds #longhairdon’tcare. Plus…. women living north of the 49th parallel need to consider the winter months…brrrrrr.

Why is a ‘Mighty Bush’ newsworthy or instagram-photo-worthy? Please tell me that people are not going to start posting pictures of their generous or otherwise pubic hair growth on Instagram. This is not the same as Instagram eyebrows people…..please remember that. And no…..your pubic hair is NOT the ‘Eyebrow of your Vagina”. We (most women) honestly don’t care if you let ‘it’ grow until it blends into your thigh hair; don’t care if you wax it so you look like a plucked chicken or if you Edward Scissorhands it into a work of art. It is like fingernails — let them grow, trim them short, paint them, embellish them….whatever. We don’t care…..or do we?

Judy

My Epiphany

Monday I reached out to my Facebook friends with a comment that I was: struggling with writers block. An arrogant statement I agree because honestly, how dare I call myself a writer. Does a weekly column and a blog make me a writer? Okay….I also have written for a magazine, but it was a trade publication so not sure if that counts. If a writer writes, but no one reads it, are they still a writer? I digress (as per usual). The whole “who am I?” conversation is best continued with my therapist. ……

So…looking for a little distraction and perhaps some divine inspiration, I reach out on Facebook and type the two words “writers block” over and over and over again, almost filling the entire status area. Describing it to you now, it was reminiscent of a scene you might see in a horror story where the detective reads the crazy person’s diary or maybe something from a Stephen King novel (continuous comparisons to real writers makes me feel better): “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy”.

Tipping my toe in crazy town.

Yup.

So I turned off my computer and walked away. Got a coffee. Watched some television. Decided to try again.

I opened my laptop and heard this loud buzzer noise. (For those without a Mac computer, it sounds like the buzzer from Family Feud….the one where the big X appears to indicate a wrong answer). The buzzing sound is reminding me of something! Sure enough, the little square in the corner with the clock was there and it said, “REMINDER TOMORROW: EPIPHANY”Screen Shot 2015-01-05 at 10.42.19 AM

Oh. My. Goodness. Is this the law of attraction at work? Is this the divine inspiration that I was reaching for? I had cleaned my home office over the weekend and I remember throwing out that old DVD, “The Secret”. Should I go through the garbage and find it again?

My second instinct was cynicism. Was this some terrifying computer virus attacking my hard drive? Did I catch something from downloading something that I found on Pinterest (Devil’s playground)?

I posted the experience on social media and a friend responded that he also had received the reminder of an impending epiphany on his laptop that morning and wondered what was happening.

Hmmm…….curiouser and curiouser…….

The online dictionary describes an epiphany as being “a sudden, powerful, and often spiritual or life-changing realization that a character experiences in an otherwise ordinary moment.

“Holy cow! Now I was intrigued.

Why did I have to wait until the next day?

I was so excited! Finally I was going to have something really BIG to write about. I admit that I had side-eyed longingly at other writers who had really complex dysfunction in their bag of tricks to pull from.

I wanted to call my mom and say, “Remember how I was a little disappointed that my childhood was normal and that I was a little sad that there was no one with (air quote) “problems” from which I could draw inspiration? Well…..no worries, because TOMORROW I am scheduled to have an epiphany!”

All day I wondered. What would it be like? I could not remember the last time I had an epiphany. I mean….a revelation yes….but epiphany? No. No epiphanies.

That night I went to bed relatively early. I was excited….it was like Christmas Eve and I already knew that I was getting something special!

Rising at 7:00 a.m. I tried to pace myself. It isn’t every day that a girl wakes up knowing that she is going to experience an epiphany.

I turned the furnace up a bit and made a pot of coffee while stumbling around with a goofy smile on my sheet-creased face. It was my ‘remember this moment forever because your life is going to change after you experience the epiphany’ face.

I poured my coffee and added the milk, not bothering to stir them together and headed for my big, cozy, living room chair. I pulled up the ottoman where I could rest by freakishly short legs that would otherwise dangle without purpose.

Pausing…..taking it all in: the Christmas tree still up and decorated in the corner of the room, the popcorn bowls from last night resting on the coffee table, the stain on the carpet where one of the dogs had made a “boo-boo”.

In a few seconds none of it will matter. I will have experienced my epiphany. Deep breath Judy….deep breath. I opened my computer and waited. And waited. And waited.

What is going on? Was this some type of cruel joke?

So I Googled Epiphany and it popped right up.

Apparently there are multiple definitions of epiphany.

Today was January 6th.

I wasn’t going to HAVE an epiphany….today WAS the Epiphany.

A Christian observance, the Epiphany IS a pretty big deal.

Well played Macbook……well played……no hard feelings.

Side Note: Perhaps I should look into attending Sunday School? Hey! Is THAT my epiphany?

Note: This column was posted originally here in the Alaska Highway News January 7, 2015